


The Life and Times of a Grand Admiral

by chissprincess



Category: Star Wars, Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Legends - All Media Types
Genre: Drabbles, F/M, Gen, I usually prefer the Legends/EU stuff though, I'll add more tags and characters and such as they pop up, M/M, Work In Progress, except when I like something from canon and decide to use it, not necessarily canon compliant, so I'll probably stick closer to that than to current canon
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-25
Updated: 2017-10-10
Packaged: 2019-01-05 07:45:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,658
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12185847
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chissprincess/pseuds/chissprincess
Summary: A series of drabbles/one-shots taking place throughout the life of Grand Admiral Thrawn, starting with his childhood. All kinds of content is possible and chapters will be rated anything from Gen to Explicit -- please read chapter notes carefully if you want to avoid something!For our opening act, have a look into Thrawn's life before he even had the name Thrawn.





	1. The Tiny Spy

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Sithy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sithy/gifts).



> Any Star Wars thing I do has to include thanks to Sithy, who has been fan-gasming over Star Wars with me for...god, at least a decade now. IT'S BEEN FOREVER HASN'T IT. 
> 
> This chapter is rated G and includes Thrawn being tiny, cute, and a bit sneaky.

“They’ve already been in bed for a couple of hours, Orany,” the deep, but gentle voice said. The speaker was quiet, as though afraid he would wake up the individuals in question, even though they slept at the other end of the house.

Or rather, one of them slept. The younger of the two hadn’t been able to sleep, and the sound of a speeder pulling up and parking outside had finally pushed his curiosity over the edge. He had rolled out of bed and tiptoed out of the room, trying not to wake his sleeping older brother or be caught by either of his parents. Now, he had made it all the way to the living room, where he hid himself behind the plush but slightly-warn sofa. From here he could peer into the kitchen, where the clandestine conversation was happening. Sadly, it wasn’t an entirely clear view – several of his father’s prize houseplants blocked most of it. But he could see enough to mostly figure out what was going on.

A woman – clearly the one called Orany -- sighed. The young Chiss watched her unbutton her white jacket and fold it carefully before draping it over the back of a chair. She leaned forward and the youngster soon heard the sound of a boot being tossed aside. “They’re going to forget that I even exist at this rate,” she said, her voice tinged with anger and bitterness. “I should never have taken this promotion.”

“Not too late to change your mind,” the first speaker, her husband, said. He finally came into view as he stepped around the table and stopped behind Orany. He rested large hands on her shoulders. “Surely even High Command would understand?”

“I’m the first mother to make it this far in well over a century,” she said, tilting her head back so she could see him. “I’m beginning to see why.”

The man sighed and stopped rubbing his wife’s shoulders. Instead, he knelt on the floor in front of her. The plants almost completely hid him from view now. The tiny Chiss hiding behind the sofa could just barely see his father reach up and pushe his shaggy blue-black hair back from his face. “We’re all proud of you,” he said to his wife. “Every day.”

Orany refused to meet her husband’s gaze, her own red eyes fixed on her hand where it rested on the table. She absent-mindedly picked at a bit of hardened, rough skin on her thumb. “Do they even know why I’m never here? Do they even understand?”

A pause, then, “The older one does. I’m not as sure about the little one…he’s so young but you know how he is…He thinks your old textbooks are light reading. Wouldn’t surprise me if he caught on before his brother.” He chuckled and Orany managed a small smile. She still seemed unconvinced though, and her husband continued, “Listen, like I said, we’re all proud of you. Sure the boys don’t get the details of what you do and I’m sure they don’t fully understand why you can’t be here every day or can’t be home on time every night, but…they understand that you’re off doing things that are important for all of us. You should hear them telling everyone their mom is a Rear Admiral…the little one says he wants to be too, someday.”

He couldn’t quite see what was happening now, but he heard sniffling, and without even thinking he crawled out from behind the sofa to get a better look. He almost immediately regretted it, though, for he bumped into the nearby end table and almost knocked one of the plants off of it. The noise attracted the adults’ attention, and his father turned and instantly saw him. “…Or maybe he should be a spy someday,” he said. “Little one is good at sneaking around.” He chuckled, smiling, the corners of his eyes crinkling as he did.

The tiny Chiss wasn’t too good at reading adults just yet. He thought his father wasn’t mad…but what if he was wrong? Better not lie, that would make it worse. “I couldn’t sleep,” he confessed, folding his hands in front of himself. “I heard the speeder and I…came to see…” he bowed his head.

Before he could be too worried that he had done or said something wrong, though, he was rather suddenly scooped right off the ground, and let out a startlingly undignified but delighted squeal as his mother rained kisses on his face. “Well, good,” she said, “because I didn’t want to wake you up so this is VERY convenient.” 

His father yawned and stretched. “Come on,” he said through the end of his yawn, “you can sleep in our room tonight…it’s late and we should ALL get some sleep.”


	2. The Bridge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Young Thrawn joins his fellow future cadets on a visit to his mother's flagship and chats with her Captain. (rated G)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I realize that at this point in their lives Thrawn and Thrass probably hadn't become merit adoptives yet and probably wouldn't be called Thrawn and Thrass. But for the sake of clarity and making my own life easier they're going to be called Thrawn and Thrass in these drabbles :p Thrass doesn't appear in this chapter but I though I would include him in the note anyway since it will be relevant later.

He stood on the bridge in the front row of cadet-candidates, an honor he had been granted both on account of his grades and on account of being the shortest person in the class…which in turn was due to being the youngest in the class by a solid five years. Some of the other candidates had grumbled about this, of course, but Thrawn was used to it by now. They had been grumbling since the day his father dropped him off for the first day of the cadet-candidate day program three months ago. 

Today, they had stopped grumbling pretty quickly when Thrawn had “accidentally” let slip that the Admiral whose bridge they would be observing was in fact his mother. 

Not that she could show it, of course. To show any kind of favoritism to her youngest son would have been highly inappropriate, and Admiral Oran’ylenei was nothing if not perfectly proper. And brilliant. And adored by the military at large. In fact, just last week Thrawn’s older brother had sent him a message from the Academy, containing the rumor (which he claimed to have on good authority) that everyone was just waiting for Fleet Admiral Dro’nzar to retire (…or die, though of course nobody said so out loud). And then…well, there hadn’t been a woman as Fleet Admiral in a long time. But everyone assumed Oran’ylenei would be the first. And why not, she had been first in so many other ways…

Thrawn snapped out of his reverie at the sound of his mother’s voice issuing a steady stream of commands to her subordinates. He frowned a little. She sounded different here. Cold and aloof, not at all how he was used to hearing her. He clasped his hands behind his back and let his eyes roam around the bridge, observing how each person responded to his mother’s commands swiftly and with precision. He noticed one officer – a Captain, he thought – eyeing him, and so he blinked back at the man, careful to keep his own face neutral, just as his mother did. The Captain raised an eyebrow, then found an excuse to approach the Admiral. He leaned in close and whispered something to her, which made her turn her head towards the cadet-candidates just the tiniest bit. When she saw Thrawn, her lips twitched up in a tight smirk and she gave the Captain a barely perceptible nod before turning back to her work. Thrawn wondered what that had all been about, but he had no chance to answer before the commander in charge of the young future cadets was ushering him off to stand behind a specific officer…the very Captain who had just noticed him. Thrawn glanced up to watch his commander go off to give another cadet-candidate an assignment for the day, then turned his attention to the Captain, who was watching him intently.

“…Yes?” he finally said.

“Yes, sir,” the Captain corrected, a gentle smile playing across his lips before he turned back to his console. “Though I guess we’ll all be saying that to you soon enough, hmm?”

“Sorry, what?” he asked, then quickly caught himself and added, “Sir?”

The Captain nodded his head towards the Admiral, who was currently overseeing the final calculations for the short jump they were going to take. “She told me you were coming today,” he said. “Told me you’re the youngest cadet-candidate in the history of the program, and looking to be the youngest cadet to enter the Academy since they started keeping records.” Thrawn was rather puffed up by now, struggling to keep a smug smirk off his face. The Captain chuckled a little and leaned around Thrawn to tap the neighboring Ensign’s shoulder. “Bring him a chair, would you?” he said. The Ensign nodded and soon returned with a chair, which she placed beside the Captain’s own seat. Thrawn climbed into it – his feet only just brushed the ground now. 

The Captain seemed satisfied that his young charge was comfortable and safe, so he turned back to his console to work. “So,” he asked casually, “everyone says you’re a lot like your mother. Can you do that thing she does? With the music?”

“The…thing with the music?” he asked, tilting his head. As far as he knew his mother liked listening to music, but had no talent for singing or playing instruments. And neither did he, so…

The Captain pursed his lips a little. “Well, she…can figure things out from it. I still remember the time she got into an argument with one of the Aristocras. Next day she saw him at a concert. Day after that, well…last I heard he thought she broke into his medical files somehow. He didn’t know how else she could have figured out all his weak points. But he hasn’t dared go toe to toe with her since.” He glanced up to make sure he wasn’t needed for the moment, then continued, “Every time I’m in her office she has new music playing. Nobody knows how she does it, but it helps her understand people. Friends, enemies, doesn’t matter. And she’s almost never wrong.” He grinned at Thrawn. “You can’t do that?”

“Well…no,” Thrawn said. The Captain just nodded before turning back to his console once more, prepared to work and to show Thrawn a bit of what the Captain job entailed. His work had vanished behind his chosen screensaver, a slideshow of famous Chiss artworks. His fingers were hovering over the keyboard, just a hair away from tapping a key to make the screensaver vanish, when Thrawn murmured, “Not with music anyway.” 

His eyes were fixed on the screensaver, and only moved to give the Captain’s startled face an appraising look when the man made an odd coughing sound.


	3. Achievements

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Young Thrawn achieves something, but still doubts himself. His mother tries to help. (rated G)

Even though he had spent all seven years of his life growing up in Chiss culture, Thrawn couldn’t help but feel that this whole practice was a bit…odd. After all, his mother wasn’t the one who had accomplished this feat, he was, so shouldn’t he get the praise?

Though, even he had to admit that her hard work and good example had helped him get here…

“Congratulations, Admiral Oran’ylenei,” yet another officer said. Thrawn had no clue who this one was any more than he had known any of the others, but his white jacket and black pants immediately marked him as one of his mother’s subordinates. Thrawn craned his neck to look – a Rear Admiral, if he was reading the rank insignia right. 

“Our thanks, Admiral Ydir’alani,” she said, smiling, bowing her head a touch, and shaking his hand, just as she had with every other person who had approached her today. “We’re all very proud of his accomplishments,” she added, once more turning her gaze on Thrawn, who once more sketched a sharp bow and murmured his own thanks to the Admiral.

The older Chiss man chuckled a little. “He’ll have your job in no time,” he said to Thrawn’s mother.

“Oh, I don’t doubt it,” she said. “Just as your daughter will have yours.” She nodded into the crowd, and Thrawn’s eyes followed her gaze. She was looking at a younger Chiss girl, perhaps the same age as Thrawn’s older brother Thrass but clearly a year or two ahead of him in the Academy. Her cadet’s uniform bore the bronze shoulder cord of a junior cadet, with one more year to go in her training before she would graduate to full service. She noticed the two Admirals looking at her and immediately turned to face them, snapping to attention before executing a perfect and shockingly stiff bow. Even from here Thrawn could see the array of medals on her chest – she was a brilliant student and excelled at just about everything, from the looks of it.

“Ah yes, my dear Iara,” the man said. “They expect her to make Cadet Commander next year, you know. She’ll only be ten, the youngest on record.” He tried not to seem too proud, but even Thrawn could hear the hint of pride bordering on smugness in his voice. Thrawn’s achievement of entering the Academy as a full cadet at only seven was quite the feat, of course, but the Admiral clearly felt that a ten-year-old making Cadet Commander was better.

To her credit, Thrawn’s mother gave her subordinate a warm smile. “A well-deserved title,” she said. “Your daughter’s reputation is well known. I can only hope that my own children will follow her example.” She rested hand on Thrawn’s shoulder and squeezed. 

The Admiral gave Thrawn and his mother a gracious nod before taking his leave. Thrawn glanced around to see if anyone else was coming to say hello. When he didn’t see anyone, he frowned up at his mother. “Can I ask you a question?” he asked.

“You just did,” she teased. “But of course, you can always ask me questions.”

He bit his lip. “…Is that whole Cadet Commander thing really a big deal?”

She pondered his question. “…Honestly, yes. The Cadet Commander is a senior who has consistently received top marks throughout their time at the Academy, and whose teachers have recommended them for the position. It shows a lot of discipline and dedication to the training and the job to follow. Cadet Commanders tend to have illustrious careers, though of course not all do and plenty of people who never become Cadet Commander have excellent careers too…I was Cadet Commander in my year. Didn’t you know that?”

Thrawn shook his head. “No…I don’t remember that. So…” he glanced over at the girl, who was now standing with her father and listening as he talked the ears off of some Lieutenants and Captains. “So do you expect me to be Cadet Commander?”

His mother frowned a little as she studied him in silence for several minutes, then crouched down next to him so she was more eye-level with him. “What are you really worried about, little one?” she asked.

“Well what if I can’t do it?” he asked, voice low in the hopes of keeping his fears as private as possible. “What if I’m not good enough? What if I never make Cadet Commander, or get as many awards, or…or…what if I wash out?” 

She tilted her head and rubbed his arm. “Then I’ll still be proud of you, because you’re still my son.” Thrawn just gave her a completely incredulous look, so she added, “Your father and I…well, let’s be honest, I haven’t been around much so mostly your father…we did the best we could with you and your brother. And we’re so proud of you both. I know, and your father knows, that no matter what happens with you, you’ll have worked hard and tried your best, and that’s what matters. That you did your best and approached every challenge with all the diligence and pride and self-worth you have. You could wash out tomorrow and we’ll still be proud of you, because we know you gave it your all.”

Thrawn nodded a bit and looked away from her as he processed this. It was nice to know, he supposed, but the idea of doing anything less than becoming Cadet Commander and earning his own chest full of medals made him feel strangely discontented. Besides, how could his parents actually be proud of him if he failed? Wouldn’t failing prove that he hadn’t done his best? It was far too confusing.

His stomach rumbled, and he latched onto that instead. Hunger he could understand and deal with easily. “I’m hungry,” he said. “…Can we go get a snack?”

She chuckled and kissed his cheek, which earned them a few snorts of disapproval from observers, but of course nobody said anything. They wouldn’t dare criticize the Admiral of the Fleet, especially not on a day like this. And if Thrawn and his mother noticed the snorts, they pointedly chose to ignore them. “Of course,” she said, and stood up again. “Your father and brother are over there, near the pastries…you go on, I have a few other people I should greet before joining you.” Thrawn nodded and bounded off to join his brother, trying hard not to let his worries weigh him down today of all days.


	4. The First Loss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even Chiss can be too young to lose loved ones. (rated G. CONTENT WARNING: character death (oc only), parent death)

The Academy lecturers rarely stopped talking for anything short of a drill or an actual life-or-death situation, and few students were ever gutsy enough to show up late (they came on time or not at all). So when the classroom door opened with a soft whoosh and the lecturer stopped talking mid-sentence, laser pointer now pointed at a completely random part of his holo-presentation, all eyes immediately scanned the room for the source of the disruption. Cadet Commander Inronkini’ar’alani stalked down the center aisle of the large hall and paused just long enough to snap a smart salute for the lecturing officer before she stepped onto the small stage beside him and stretched to her full height to whisper to him. Since she had only just reached her 12th year and still had some growing to do, the lecturer still had to lean down a bit to hear her. As soon as she finished whatever she had to say, his eyes widened a bit and he gave her a curt nod before standing up straight again. As she made her way back up the aisle, he didn’t resume the lecture. Thrawn’s brow furrowed just the tiniest bit in confusion. What –

The Cadet Commander came to a rather sudden stop right beside his desk. Her face, still plump with the last remnants of childhood chubbiness clinging on, was carefully schooled in a stoic mask. But Thrawn could see the way the corners of her mouth twitched, and how she seemed to be squinting a little as though trying not to show some reaction. He opened his mouth to say something to her, but never got the chance.

“Gather your things and come with me,” she ordered. The other second-year cadets around them murmured to one another in confusion, but a sharp cough from their lecturer forced them back into silence mere moments after the whispering had begun. Thrawn threw his datapad and writing stylus into his bag, got up, and scurried after Inronkini’ar’alani. Just before going through the door, he glanced back over his shoulder and caught the lecturer giving him a look of deepest pity. 

Once they were out in the hallway, she sped up, and though he wasn’t that much shorter than she was, Thrawn still almost had to jog to keep up. He threw his bag’s shoulder strap over his neck and let the bag bounce against his hip as he followed her. “Slow down!” he gasped. “Where are we –”

“Your father is ill,” he said, not stopping or even slowing down in the slightest. “Gravely ill, even your mother has been recalled. The _Brightstar_ entered orbit above Csilla half an hour ago.” The _Brighstar_ , his mother’s flagship, was the newest, biggest, and fastest in the fleet. Even so, an officer recalled to Csilla would normally have taken an armed shuttle with an escort, or perhaps one of the smaller capital ships under their command. The fact that she had openly bucked all convention and used her flagship immediately sent Thrawn’s mind reeling. He gulped a bit. Inronkini’ar’alani continued, “There’s a transport at the door waiting to take you to the civilian shuttleport. I have your ticket and your permission to travel. When you land you’ll be met by another shuttle to take you straight to the hospital.”

They made it to the building’s lobby, and she finally stopped, so suddenly that Thrawn almost walked right into her. She fished the data card with his documents out of her pocket and pressed it into his hand. He stared down at it. “…What about my brother? He’s out for a practice run on one of the ships…”

“We already recalled him. His shuttle is taking him directly to your home city. He’ll probably be there when you arrive.” She grabbed his arm and set out again, almost dragging him through the main doors and to the waiting transport. Thrawn recognized the driver – he usually drove the cadet-candidates around, and these days he also got pressed into service whenever underage cadets like Thrawn needed to go somewhere – but he didn’t even have time for a proper greeting. Inronkini’ar’alani seemed intent on physically stuffing him into the shuttle if it meant saving even a second of time. As Thrawn got in, he could hear her giving the driver directions on exactly where to bring Thrawn and how he was expected to remain with the young cadet until the shuttle’s flight crew took custody of him. Thrawn wanted to protest that he could take care of himself, could probably even fly himself all the way home if he needed to, but before he could get so much as a peep out they were moving, and when he looked back he could see his friend’s already-small form rapidly disappearing behind him.

He couldn’t much remember the trip to the spaceport, getting out of the shuttle, or even being handed over to the flight crew’s care. He didn’t notice the blatant stares he got from fellow passengers who couldn’t believe they were seeing such a young Chiss in a cadet’s uniform. He didn’t even realize how tightly he had been clutching his school bag (his only bit of luggage) until he was settled into his seat and a kindly attendant gently pried it from his hands so it could be properly stowed away. He looked around rather helplessly, looking for something to occupy himself, until the same attendant returned with a large bottle of a thick, creamy, and shockingly orange drink. 

“My boys are about your age and they like that,” she said quietly. “I thought you might too.” She bustled off to help other passengers before Thrawn could even say thank you or confirm that she had been correct. He took a few sips from the bottle before setting it down again, eyes fixed on the bottle but not really seeing it, as he struggled to maintain his proper composure. He was a cadet at the Ascendancy’s most prestigious military academy, he would not make a scene. He would not. 

He would not.

The trip was only a couple of hours long, but even so, he arrived at the hospital to find his father’s room already packed with extended family. His brother was already there, standing beside their mother, who had clearly come so quickly that she hadn’t even bothered to change out of her uniform. Thrawn pushed his way through an assortment of aunts, uncles, and cousins, many of whom he barely knew, so he could join his mother and brother.

His father was sleeping now, but even Thrawn could tell that he wasn’t breathing well and that his heart rate was wildly out of whack. Thrawn watched him for several minutes, then gave his mother a quick hug, grabbed his brother’s arm, and tugged until his brother caught on and followed him from the room.

“This didn’t just happen, did it?” he asked, crossing his arms over his chest as he looked up at his brother.

Thrass shook his head a sniffled. Now, Thrawn could see that his eyes were puffy and glassy. “No,” he admitted. “Mom said they didn’t want to tell us because they didn’t want us to worry…”

“Yeah, but…I don’t know, we should have been home…”

“That’s exactly what they _didn’_ t want,” Thrass said. He wiped his runny nose on his uniform sleeve. Thrawn would normally have scowled in disapproval, but these were dire times and improper treatment of the uniform wasn’t even on his mind. “Maybe they thought he would get better…”

Thrawn looked back towards the room door. He couldn’t see far into it because of a cousin and two aunts blocking the view, but he could still visualize his father lying in the hospital bed, hooked up to more equipment than Thrawn had any hope of identifying. “…Is he even going to wake up?”

Thrass’s breath hitched in his throat and he let out a quiet sob. “I-I don’t know…” he admitted.

 

The brothers exchanged a worried look, and Thrawn let his mind drift back to the last time he had been home, only three months ago. Their father had been healthy, or so he thought, when he and Thrass had been home for the New Year’s break. He had been full of energy, laughing at their stories, cooking the big family dinner as he always did, teasing their mother when her attempts at being domestic only resulted in her getting in the way (not that he ever really minded), teasing Thrawn about how serious he looked in all of his academy holos…

“What if that was the last time we got to talk to him?” Thrawn whispered. Thrass didn’t ask what he was talking about. The thought seemed to be too much for him, and before Thrawn could react, Thrass was stalking off down the hallway to the nearest bathroom. Thrawn sighed and fought his way through the relatives so he could join his mother again.

He didn’t really remember Thrass coming back or the relatives dispersing. He vaguely remembered that his mother managed to summon up enough of her commanding nature to order the nurses to bring a cot, and he remembered Thrass helping him out of his boots so they could lay in the cot without kicking each other with the hard footwear. He remembered waking up at one point to see his mother’s form slouched over at his father’s bedside, where she had somehow managed to fall asleep. He also remembered waking up a second time to find that Thrass was using his stomach as a pillow. He managed to push his brother’s head back onto the actual pillows before falling asleep again.

The third time he woke up, he immediately noticed two thin slivers of red light pointing towards him from where his father’s head rested on his own pillows.

Thrawn rolled off the cot and made his way to his father’s bedside, trying not to wake up his mother and brother yet. “Dad?” he whispered. He could just make out his father’s weak smile. He didn’t know what to say, and besides, he was afraid if he said anything else, he would just start crying. So he settled for patting his father’s shoulder.

Behind him, Thrass stirred, and moments later he joined Thrawn at their father’s beside. The jostling woke their mother, who threw them a glare until she realized why they were up and moving to begin with.

The rest of the night passed in silence, with their father drifting in and out of consciousness. Despite his best intentions, Thrawn felt himself getting sleepy again, so he crawled onto the edge of his father’s bed and leaned over to give him a hug. “I love you,” he murmured in his father’s ear. He received a very slight nod of acknowledgement in return, and soon fell asleep right where he was.

*** *** ***

He would always be surprised at the number of officers, cadets, even cadet-candidates who came to the funeral. They were there for himself and his brother and mother, he supposed. His father had never set foot on any military vessel. The closest he had ever come to any part of military life was attending his children’s entrance ceremonies and his wife’s various promotions. Thrawn was glad to see some of his friends, especially Inronkini’ar’alani (who was doing an excellent job keeping people away from the grieving brothers) and some of his favorite teachers…but in the end, he wished most of them hadn’t come.

He didn’t like crying in front of people who already didn’t know what to make of him half the time.

Inronkini’ar’alani finally plopped herself almost entirely in front of Thrawn, physically shielding him from prying eyes. And as soon as the brief ceremony was over, she draped her arm over his shoulder and steered him away from the crowd. Her sharp looks were more than enough to keep everyone away. In the safety of his friend’s company, Thrawn allowed himself to sniffle. 

But it was only when he was alone with his mother that he actually cried.


	5. The Broken Pieces

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Their mother wants forgiveness. Can they give it to her? (rated G. Content warning: family drama, depression)

“So,” Thrass’ holographic face asked, “…are you coming home for New Year’s or…?”

Thrawn sighed and looked up at the calendar projected on his wall. This would be the time for him to make his travel arrangement if he wished to leave the Academy for the holiday. But to be honest, he had no desire to go home. This was his third year in the Academy. He had long since learned that the institution put on a good festive mood for those cadets and instructors who stayed behind for the holidays…even though both his brother and his friend Inronkini’ar’alani had long since graduated, he found it a much more pleasant atmosphere than home.

“No,” he said, and tried to ignore his brother’s disappointed face. “I think I’ll stay here.”

“But why?” Thrass asked. “I have the holiday off this year, and Mom will go home –”

“Will she?” Thrawn asked sharply. “Will she really?”

Thrass bit his lip. “She _said_ she would…”

Thrawn snorted. “Yeah, like she did the last time and the time before that and the time before that…she hasn’t come home since the funeral, whether we were there or not.”

“Well, she got called on important missions, didn’t she?” Thrass countered. “She didn’t have a choice.”

“Oh, you think so?” Thrawn asked, voice bitter and face pinched in a sour squint. “Guess you don’t talk to Iara much, then.” 

Ironkini’ar’alani had been assigned to Thrawn and Thrass’ mother’s flagship, and as a result she knew exactly what was going on at any given moment. The last few times their mother had promised to show up somewhere only to bow out at the last minute claiming sudden work obligations, Thrawn had secretly called his friend to get her opinion. Each time, Inronkini’ar’alani had been confused, stating that while they were indeed working, nothing out of the ordinary was going on and in her opinion the Admiral could have easily taken the time off to go elsewhere. And so the last several times Thrawn had gone home, his holidays had been filled with the awkwardness of being alone in his childhood home with only his brother for company, trying to cook without burning the place down (and usually resorting to take-out), and wondering in vain when their mother was going to show up.

“…You think she’s doing it on purpose?” Thrass said. When Thrawn didn’t answer, he sighed and bowed his head. “Well you could at least come home to see me,” he muttered.”

“Why don’t you just come _here_ ,” Thrawn suggested. “There are hotels in the city. We could stay in one if you don’t want to be on campus again.”

Thrass wrinkled his nose. “Back to the Academy? Come on, Thrawn, the house is so much more comfortable…”

“Well maybe for _you_ it is but for _me_ it’s just a nightmare,” Thrawn said. “We can barely even fend for ourselves there. How many times have we almost burned the place down just trying to make breakfast? And everything there just…just reminds me of…of Mom and Dad…especially Dad…” he sniffled and scowled down at his hands. “Maybe if Mom actually came home for once but she’s not going to and we both know that.”

Thrass sighed. “So…what, you don’t want to see me either?”

“Of course I want to see you. But I don’t want to go home and you know I’m not allowed to visit you on your ship, so…”

Thrass just nodded again. “Well…I’ll see what I can arrange, okay?”

Thrawn nodded too, and then forced the conversation onto a new topic. Conversations about family affairs were nothing but unpleasant these days.

*** *** ***

Thrass had been unable to find a place to stay close to the Academy, and neither of them had been able to scrape together the money to share one of the more expensive rooms farther outside the city. They had almost given up on seeing each other for the holiday, but at the last minute Inronkini’ar’alani swooped in to save the day. She convinced her father to invite the brothers for the New Year, and so it was that on New Year’s Eve the pair of them stood on her father’s doorstep, trying not to squirm too much in their fine dress uniforms. Neither had ever had much occasion to wear the stiflingly stiff and formal garments, and neither particularly liked them.

“It’s chaffing me,” Thrass muttered. “I think I need it altered.”

“No, I think they’re just poorly designed,” Thrawn groused beside him. “I’ve never seen any of the cadets look comfortable in them. Well, except –”

As though on cue the door swung open, and their friend stood there, dressed in her own ridiculously formal uniform but acting for all the world as though she was in her comfiest pajamas. She grinned at the brothers and waved them inside. “Thought you two got lost or something,” she said as she closed the heavy door behind them. “Come on, the rest of Father’s guests are here, and it’s all terribly stuffy in there. They can’t think of anything to talk about except strategy and politics.” 

“I thought you liked constantly talking strategy?” Thrass said as they stepped into the family’s sitting room, which was filled to bursting with officers and politicians. Most were well into middle age at least, and for the moment, all ignored the three youngsters. 

“Yeah, at _work_. Now I’m on vacation and all anyone wants to ask me is my opinion on the merits of Vagaari Blindside Feints verses the Coparan slash-and-scatter and whatnot.”

Thrawn wrinkled his nose. “I don’t know why they even bother calling it the Vagaari Blindside Feint anymore, the Vagaari saw through it ages ago, and why they would even compare it to the slash-and-scatter is beyond me when the two tactics are CLEARLY meant to be employed –”

Inronkini’ar’alani smirked, grabbed him firmly by the shoulders, and steered him towards a group of older officers, all currently standing around the fireplace and drinking shot after shot of Csilla’s finest frost whisky while her father plied them with tales of his most recent conquests. “Yes, please, go tell them all of this, they’ll _love_ you,” she said to Thrawn, and gave him a gentle but firm push in their direction. Before he could even protest, Inronkini’ar’alani had disappeared with his brother, and her father and his friends had all turned their attention to him.

Before they could pepper him with questions or chastise him for interrupting, a servant appeared to announce dinner in the dining room. Thrawn followed the rest of the crowd and soon managed to catch up with his brother and his friend. Inronkini’ar’alani was clearly relieved that they had been relegated to the far end of the table, separated from the older adults by a small group of up-and-coming Lieutenants who were far too interested in making good impressions on their superiors to pay any attention to what, in their eyes, was basically a trio of children. 

They made it through the soup course, three separate amuse-bouche courses, and had begun working their way through a large bread basket while waiting for the salad course when the entire table fell silent. Thrawn, Thrass, and Inronkini’ar’alani looked up from their rolls and their careful dissection of the latest Academy gossip to see what had interrupted the adults, and Thrawn almost dropped his butter knife. There, in the doorway closest to the head of the table, stood his mother. She was draped in heavy white furs, including a white fur headband that circled her head like a cloudy crown. She held her white-gloved hands up, folded over her heart in an apologetic gesture, and bowed her head in the direction of Ironkini’ar’alani’s father. 

“My apologies for the intrusion, Admiral, I had hoped to catch you before dinner started.”

“My dear Admiral Oran’ylenei, you hardly need to apologize,” he said, and waved for several of those on his right to move down. Servants scurried to help move place settings and to set up a seat for the late arrival. A small group huddled in the kitchen doorway, carrying her soup and amuse-bouches on their trays, whispering about how they were going to fit so much food at her place setting and if this meant delaying the other guests’ salads. But before they could get very far with all the movement and debate, the woman Admiral waved her hand and gave her comrade a small, apologetic smile.

“I’m afraid I’m not here to accept your kind invitation to dinner, Admiral.” She let her gaze slide down the table. Even though she was still smiling, many of the gathered officers shivered a little. Thrawn noticed one of the Lieutenants jump when his mother’s gaze brushed over her. All of the Lieutenants turned to stare at the three youngsters they had been ignoring all night, opening gawking when they realized that the revered Admiral was looking for them and not for any of the older, distinguished officers. “Rather,” their mother said, completely unfazed by the other guests’ reactions, “I’m here to collect my sons. We…are rather overdue for a private gathering of our own.”

This pronouncement was met with complete silence, and for a long while even Thrawn and Thrass didn’t move. Finally, though, Thrawn pushed his chair back from the table and rose with all the dignity he could muster. His hands shook a bit – from anger? Surprise? He couldn’t quite tell – and he glanced at his brother, who gave him a single curt nod before following him. They bowed to Inronkini’ar’alani and thanked her for the lovely evening before moving up the table and repeating their thanks to her father, and finally turning to stand at stiff attention before their mother.

She tilted her head a little and smiled down at them, her face strangely stiff as though she didn’t really know what to make of them. Thrawn noticed that she wasn’t as tall as he remembered – he had grown more than he realized – and though she had hidden most of the signs with makeup, he knew the shadows on her cheeks weren’t contouring and the dark circles under her eyes weren’t eyeliner gone wrong. He had the sneaking suspicion that her array of furs was as much about making her more physically imposing as about keeping her warm in the bitter winter air. She reached out to rest a hand on each of their shoulders, and the squeeze she gave wasn’t as strong as Thrawn remembered.

She gently steered them out the door while apologizing once more for the interruption, and didn’t stop guiding them until she had ushered them into the speeder waiting for them outside. She waved them to comfortable seats across from hers, and waited until the speeder was moving to start unwrapping her furs. As Thrawn had suspected, she was much thinner than he remembered. It didn’t look like healthy weight loss, and a quick glance in his brother’s direction showed that Thrass thought the same. Thrass looked queasy as he caught his brother’s eye and gulped a bit.

They rode in silence for at least half an hour, headed in a direction Thrawn didn’t recognize, before their mother finally spoke. “I…have…failed you both,” she finally said. The brothers remained silent, though Thrawn’s hand clenched into a fist in his lap. This, he felt, was an understatement. Their mother’s eyes darted between them, and when she realized they were going to stay quiet for now, she continued. “I…was used to certain things. And when those things were upended…when your father…when he…” she huffed and pressed her lips together, staring out the speeder window for a long while. “When he died,” she blurted out, and touched a gloved hand to her mouth as though she had just said something unimaginably dirty, “I handled it…poorly.” 

“Obviously,” Thrawn said, almost growled, really. Thrass hissed at him, and he held a hand up to shush his brother. “No, I’m not going to coat poison in syrup and call it candy,” he said. “For three _years_ it’s like you forgot we existed. We didn’t handle it well either but you wouldn’t know, you weren’t _there_. Every time we wanted to be together as a _family_ you found some excuse not to show up. We’re the only family any of us have left and you would rather stay on your damn ship than be with us.”

“Thrawn!” Thrass finally snarled at him, looking about ready to backhand his own brother if it would shut him up. “How can you –”

“Thrass.” Their mother’s quiet but firm voice stopped him, and he turned to look at her again instead. Thrawn’s gaze hadn’t left her face. “He’s right,” she said. “Maybe a little harsh in how he says it, but he’s right, and I deserve it, and he deserves to make his feelings known.” She glanced back and forth between them again. “I handled it poorly. Not just in how I treated you two…I was selfish with everything. They nearly pulled me from command, you know. My crew was covering for me almost constantly. I put us in reckless situations on purpose. I stopped taking care of myself…I avoided the two of you at first because I couldn’t bear to see you, especially you, Thrass, because you take after your father so much…and then I avoided you because I convinced myself you were better off without me.”

“We weren’t,” Thrawn spat. “Thrass was trying to graduate with high enough marks to get a good assignment after graduating. He wound up failing two classes because of the stress. I was only seven and new at the Academy…just when we both needed you most you weren’t there. I got more support from instructors who barely knew me and who think of even the most basic affection as coddling than I did from _my own mother_.” He paused and waited for Thrass to chastise him again, but his older brother was no longer looking at either of them. Thrass was busy looking out the window, chewing on his lip hard enough to draw blood while he tried not to cry. 

She nodded. “I know that now,” she said. “…I don’t know if it will help or hurt, but the turning point was when your young friend Iara was assigned to my ship. She came to see me. She was so…disappointed. Oh she tried to hide it, of course, but she still has a lot to learn about controlling herself so others can’t read her so easily. I could see it in her eyes and the way her color faded when she looked at me. And I knew, if I had disappointed this girl who was barely even a friend to me, then I had done worse to you two.”

Thrass finally forced himself to look at her. “Wha-What do you want?” he asked, voice raspy and strained from trying so hard to practice the control that even Inronkini’ar’alani had yet to master. Thrawn thought he was doing a good job – aside from the blood on his lip and the sound of his voice, there was little in his demeanor to suggest that his composure was moments from breaking.

Their mother spread her hands. “Ultimately, your forgiveness, maybe even your understanding.” She noticed the sudden spike in Thrawn’s temper and waved a hand at him. “Not right now, I know that’s too much to ask. But someday. And for now…a quiet family dinner, just the three of us. We don’t even have to talk about anything if you don’t want to. But I thought, I should at least try to make things right, and this could be a start.

Thrawn looked at his brother, who didn’t seem too keen on the idea, but Thrass finally nodded and then looked at Thrawn. “What do you think?” he asked.

Thrawn looked from brother to his mother, back to his brother, down at his own balled fists, and finally back up at his mother. “I’ll agree to dinner if only because I’m starving right now,” he finally said. “As for the rest…I can’t make you any promises. I don’t know if I can forgive three years of being ignored when that was the last thing I needed.”

Though the answer obviously upset her, their mother took a deep breath and nodded. “I…well, I’m in no position to ask for more,” she said. “I brought this on myself. Just…just know that I’ll do everything in my power to make amends, even if it takes the rest of my life.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay! I got super busy at work and then I got super sick and writing just wasn't happening. Have some more angst to make up for it.


End file.
